A brother's love

Since my parents brought me home from the hospital, my brother Stephen has been like my second mom; a protector. My mom tells me stories about how he would climb in my crib with me just to hold me and make sure I was okay. I remember times when my parents would go out to dinner and I would look forward to spending the evening with him just so we could play Donkey Kong and listen to Richard Marx blasting on the tape player. I always felt so special when he would include me whenever he would have friends over. Yes I was the annoying little sister, 9 years age difference, but he always knew how to make me feel loved and wanted; serving a purpose at the tender age of 3 years old.

Growing up with a 9 and 6 year age difference between my two brothers definitely had it's advantages and disadvantages. One of the hardest moments I had to face was  losing my brother to college when I was in the second grade. I remember my family and I dropping him off and my dad consoling my mom and I as we were balling our eyes out leaving Newberg. I not only lost my brother that day to a new adventure in his life but I also lost my best friend and protector for those next 5 years. Yes he would come home on the weekends and the holidays, but it still wasn't the same. I missed going downstairs to his "lair" and jumping on his bed while he was barely waking up. Man I miss those days...

I have always been so proud of my brother's accomplishments. In high school, for all his baseball awards, graduating from both high school and college, finishing his master's degree, and even claiming the title of a National Champion in 2004 with George Fox University's baseball team. I tell everyone I know how awesome my big brother is.

Five years ago, my brother took on a new role for the family; a caretaker for my dad. When we found out my dad had brain cancer, we never wanted to have a stranger take care of him, so my brother, dropped everything, his job, his goal of becoming a teacher, and even his friendships were put on hold for the time being. He dedicated his life to my dad and I can never thank him enough for all of the sacrifices he made for our family. There are things that Stephen saw and heard from my dad that I will never know of or understand. And God bless him for that and the patience he had through it all. That poor kid witnessed hell on earth and never once did he complain, because he knew my dad would do it in a heart beat and my dad was his best friend. That's just what friends do for each other. They love and sacrifice because they care.

Since my father's death, my brother has taken on yet another role, a father, husband, and best friend to us all. I always know that he is only a phone call away. He is the most compassionate, caring, loving, and giving person I have ever met. He always gives and never wants anything in return. Thank you Stephen for always loving me, sending me encouraging texts when you know I've having a hard day, making me laugh with your poop stories, doing our secret hand shake in public even if it might embarrass you, calling me up at school to see how I'm doing, telling me I'm beautiful no matter what, letting me know how proud daddy would be of me and how far I've come, making me feel strong when I know I'm not. Stephen, I also want to thank you for picking the best person for you and for our family. Krystal is such a blessing not only to your life but also to ours. She is the sweetest and most caring person and you two are perfect for each other. I finally have the sister I have always wanted. I love you with all my heart Stephen, and thank you again for being my second mom, a caretaker when dad was sick, and the best father (to me), husband, and best friend anyone could ever ask for. Love you Peeps.

Presence, Sacrifice, and Love

 Tonight was my church's Christmas Eve Eve service. I was so blessed to have shared this with my church family as well as my brother, sister-in-law Krystal, and my mom. The pastor John Mark taught on a very touching subject, the incarnation of God. Throughout history, there have been mixed/false ideas about who Jesus truly was. Some believe he was used as a shell for God to reside in while on earth, while other's might believe that who Jesus was claiming to be, was all false. That is not the way we should be looking at the "King of Kings." Jesus was both fully God and fully human. In the book of John, he shows us what Jesus was like as a person. There wasn't anything that we experience today that he didn't feel as well. Jesus was thirsty, Jesus wept, he was hungry, he even experienced death. 

There are three key points to the incarnation of God. 

1. Presence: he made his home among us, being open and available to us all. He was not far away in the cosmos like some think, but right there with humanity. God is not a cosmic therapist that we can go to on the weekend and ask for advice. The Christmas story reminds us that he is there with us every moment throughout the day. He is alive! 
2. Sacrifice: God gave up so much to be Jesus, and then as a human he gave his life! 
3. Love: Why did God give this all up for us you ask? Because of love! 

• "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

 We are absolute wrecks, and yet God still loves us. When we give him the middle finger, he says to us, "Here I am."

• "As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."

 We are sent to show the world what God is like! A great example of someone who loved on others and had Christ shining through them was my dad. Throughout his struggle with cancer, my daddy shared the joy of Christ despite the pain he was in. Even when he would have his hard days, not once did he complain, and question God's love for him. Thank you daddy for shining the light of Jesus for all of us to see. 

 The question we all need to think about is what would it look like for us to live incarnated? The answer is by presence, sacrifice, and love. It is so easy to lose sight of what life is all about. Let us remember that God has breathed life into each and every one of us. Yes, we were adopted into the family of Christ, and yup, I am a daughter of God. 

Thankfulness

As part of my assignment this week, my counselor wanted me to write a grief letter with 4 points; What  I resent, regret, my disappointments, and what I am thankful for. I love ending on a positive note, and I just wanted to share with you all how truly thankful I am. Thank you all for being blessings in my life and helping me overcome this battle. I love you all and could not have gotten to this stage in the healing process without you. 

THANKFULNESS

• I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to have God's grace. His love amazes me and the fact that no matter what I do, that will never go away.
  
  
• I thank him for these trials in my life; because of them, I have grown stronger in my faith, developed perseverance, strength, patience, and a love for others that continues to grow stronger with each day that passes.
  
  
• I thank Jesus that he blessed me with my family. Yes, we have our issues but when it comes down to it, we love each other so much and we are all we have. My family's support has been huge for me through all of this

• I am so thankful for my mom and how even through all of her crap, she tries so hard to make our lives as normal as possible. She knows how devastated we were when we lost my dad and every holiday she wants to keep our traditions alive and incorporate my dad's spirit some how. Whether it's giving us a picture of him as one of our gifts or displaying the Santa Clause that our friend made us with his Christmas ties. She always loves making us feel special and I thank her for that. Even though we argue at times, at the end of the day she is still my best friend. She always sticks up for me, drives me to work, picks me up from work late at night so I don't have to ride the max when it's dark, hugs me when I cry, makes sure that I'm eating and getting healthy, and most importantly she loves me with all her heart.

• I am very thankful for my brother Stephen. No matter what that kid loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me. He is like my second mom, and protects me like a mother bear. When I was planning on moving away, he poured out his heart to me expressing just how much I meant to him. I love that kid and am so blessed to have him as my older brother and a best friend. Whenever I have a bad day I know he is only a phone call away. He knows just the encouraging words to tell me to make it all better. He worries about me all the time, and I am so thankful that I have a family that loves me so much that they worry non-stop about my safety.
  
  
• I thank God for my sister-in-law Krystal. God could not have picked a better person for my brother and an addition to our family. I have always wanted a sister and he answered my prayers when he brought Krystal into my life. She is the most caring, selfless person and no matter how crazy our family is, she loves us despite it all.
  
  
• I am so blessed that God let me have my daddy for 18 years of my life. He was my best friend, and through all of this, I can take away how his sickness has changed me and made me who I am today. My dad made me the woman I am today by teaching me what it means to love, live life, and have faith in every situation. His love for God is an inspiration, and seeing how he persevered even in the tough times, shows his faithfulness to our heavenly father. Not once, did he blame God or have any anger towards him. He is my hero and I can't wait for our reunion in Heaven.
  • Growing up my dad was there at every sporting event, choir concert, ballet recital, drama production that I had. He would even show up early to my volleyball practices to see how I was doing and if he could help the coaches at all with cleaning up. My dad loved his kids and did everything in his power to help us grow into strong, confident, faithful adults. His dedication at home and work showed just how much he loved us. Never once did he ask for anything for Christmas or his birthday. He would have rather wanted us to use the money on ourselves. He was the most selfless man I have ever met. It was always about us. He is the perfect example of someone demonstrating Christ's love.
    
    
• I thank God for my team of doctors and the support/love that they give me. I would not be able to do this without them.

• I'm grateful for my best friends.
• Abby we have been together for 17 years and I can't imagine my life without you. From grade school to dorm life, you've been with me every step of the way.I loved sharing a room with you in college and could not imagine rooming with anyone else. Oh our little womby :) I loved knowing that I would always be waking up to laughter with our crazy morning routines. Playing FloRida and Sexy B*tch so loud we would get our wall pounded on to shut it off. Through all of this you have inspired me to get help. Even though you will be moving away with Tyler I know you will always be a part of my life. I love you with all my heart Abs. 
• Caitlyn, girl you make me laugh like no other. I love all of our girl talks and crazy times in the car. Oh and can't forget about our random adventures to Target. haha Love you so much. 
• Amy, we have been friends since kindergarden and I laugh just thinking about growing up with you because we have so many hilarious moments that I will never forget. All the times we would play Polly Pockets and fight over who got the boy, dressing up for Halloween at my grandparents house, and countless sleepovers. I love you Amos. 
• I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to experience college life at one of the most prestigious Christian universities in the country. Even if it was just for 2 years, that is more than most get. I met so many wonderful people out of that school.
  • My friend Allegra
    • She has inspired me in so many ways to be healed. She was the one that encouraged me to write my blog, witnesses to others by sharing my story and how Christ has been working in my life.
  • My old boss/interior design professor Lauri
    • Lauri is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Her love for God shines through everything she does. I thank her for her guidance, and words of encouragement. She brought me to my current job at IKEA and she always pushed me to follow my dreams.
  • AJ
  • my friend Lisa
  • and many more friends and experiences that I will always treasure
    
    
• I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for my church Solid Rock. God brought me to them and it has been the best thing in my life thus far. They are my support and my family. Whenever I have a bad day I look forward to worshiping God in my home church under the beautiful stained glass dome that hovers over us. I have met so many incredible people since first attending
  • My pastors Gerald and John Mark
  • My good friend Abi Porter
    • She is my mentor and I go to her whenever I need guidance or just a friend. She meets me every week or so for coffee or ice cream and we just chat. It is so wonderful to have Godly women like this in your life.
  • Our women leaders Abby and Bethany
  • My friends Peter and Jack
  • And so many more wonderful brother's and sister's in Christ!
    
    
• I am so thankful for my job at IKEA. This has been one of the biggest blessings in my life and I thank God for it. I started out in the kitchen design department and then was promoted to the bedrooms department, which is where God was calling me to be. I hope to shine Christ's love through everything I do. Thank you Jesus for granting me this opportunity! 
  
  
  Peace and blessings to you all. 

Why Me?

Why me?
Since June of 2007 I have constantly been asking God this question. Why me and why my family? 
Trials come in all sizes. Some come more like a breeze and others like a hurricane. These past 5 years have seemed more like a tropical storm. Gusts of wind that knock you down over and over again and with no break in between. When we first experienced the eye of the storm I thought I was trapped and there was no way of being rescued. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing." Psalm 40:1-10

 I loved playing the victim card to God. Making it all about me and the unfairness of my situation. "God what did I ever do to deserve this?" He answered, "I have good news for you...I am with you. I want to comfort you and heal your broken heart. At this very moment I am pushing back hell and fighting your battles for you...You deeply grieve your losses, and your grief is valid...Come to me. Allow my spirit to touch your wounds. I promise you, I will replace your devastation and despair with my spirit of gladness and joy." ~When Life Is Hard by James MacDonald

God has healed me in so many ways.  I have finally chosen to allow my pain to motivate me to become a better person; To move me forward in the right direction. My counselor put it in an interesting way..."Shannon you were so young when you lost your dad, but you are so blessed that it happened when it did. For most people, they don't come to the stage of healing that you're currently in until their late 40's. I am so proud of where you are now." She is SO right. I am incredibly blessed that I have been able to experience this growth opportunity at such a fragile age. It not only strengthened me but also gave me such an incredible life lesson that brought me the closest I have ever been to the Father. My wounds have given me depth and character. 

"I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light," Mary Gardiner Brainard. 

I thank you God that you chose me to experience everything that I have. May you use my trials to help those who still grope in the shadows. Help me to shine your light for everyone to see. I live a life of purpose and love and rest in the Father's arms. 

This is my beautiful friend Taylor Grey's artwork. To see some other samples visit her etsy page at http://www.etsy.com/shop/taylormadelove. 

She is a gorgeous woman inside and out. Love you Tay! Thank you so much for your encouragement. 

Shame's talk vs. God's answers

    Shames talk             God's answers

• I am damaged            I will heal you
• I am dirty              I will wash you whiter than snow
• I am incompetent        I will teach you all you need to know
• I am stupid             I will fill you with wisdom
• I am unwanted           I made you
• I am weak               In your weakness I made you strong
• I am hopeless           I will give you hope
• I am unlovable          I sent my son to die for you
• I am nothing            You are my child
• I am worthless          You are precious

My pain is not a problem, it is a solution.

My pain is not a problem, it is a solution. It is what will energize me to change, adapt, grow, and move through the valley of the shadows and out the other side, back into the sunlight.

These words hit me to the core. My pain is indeed my solution. God has used these trials, over the past 4 years, to shape me into the woman I am today. I tend to forget that Jesus himself experienced so much pain and anguish while here on earth. Why do I not cling to his support and encouragement when I'm struggling? It saddens me to know that it took me this long to come to this realization. Lord forgive me for not relying on your support during my trials. You are our number one comfort that understands pain. May I always look to you in times of trouble. Thank you Jesus for being there even when I didn't ask for help. 

New Year's Resolution

I met my dear friend at the tasty Salt and Straw ice creamery on 23rd the other day. I love our little chats. One of the things that really took me a back was when we were discussing about negative people in our lives and how easily it is to feed off of that. She then began to explain to me the impact her family's negativity had on her growing up. Her New Year's resolution a few years back was to rid this out of her life by trying not to complain about anything, and whenever a nasty thought came into her head, she would talk herself out of it. So thanks to my dear friend, I am starting my New Year's resolution a little early this year. From here on out, no more complaining for me! Whenever I begin to say something negative I am going to turn it into a positive thought.

Lord, help me to be thankful and blessed for everything that I have been given. Yes, I have my struggles in life, but in comparison to others in this world, they are nothing. Thank you Jesus for all that you have given my family, friends, and I. I lift up this New Year's resolution to you and ask for your support. Hold me accountable for this lifestyle, and help me to be an example for others around me. Use me to serve you with all my heart. Again, thank you Jesus for your constant love and blessings.

French Classic

I made this heavenly dessert at my Sur La Table cooking class earlier this month and now I cannot stop thinking about it! It honestly is the best sweet I have ever made. My family can attest to that. I made it for Thanksgiving this year and all that was left in the pan were some crumbs that I took care of. 
I encourage you to test this out for yourself and master what Julia Childs calls a piece of history. 

The Way to Cook
by Julia Child, 1994, Alfred A. Knopf

“Tarte Tatin is the French name for this famous dessert invented years ago by
the Demoiselles Tatin, in their restaurant at Lamotte-Beuvron on the Loire River.
It is caramelized slices apples oven-baked in a skillet with the pastry on top; when done, it is turned upside-down so the crust is on the bottom and the apple slices – wonderfully brown, buttery, and glazed with caramel – remain in a design on top.
Historical Note. The following version is my fourth and, so far as I am concerned, definitive recipe for this wonderful tart. It can be tricky – the caramel juices can refuse to thicken, the apples can be either so loose the tart collapses when un- unmolded, or so stiff they stick to the pan, and so forth. But after numerous
trials with my colleagues Nancy Barr and Beth Gurney, I think we have
worked out the bugs.
As an example, Nancy and our television cooking team managed to present the making and serving of a tarte Tatin between 8:55 and 8:58:30 one day on “Good Morning America”. To show it all in our short amount of allotted time, we had prepared the tart in various stages – plenty of raw sliced apples at the ready, then caramel and butter cooking in one frying pan and apples going into it. Switch to ready-arranged apples in another frying pan, which had to be tipped to show the perfect thickness of the caramel syrup before the pastry went on top, and finally
the ready-baked tart to be unmolded successfully before the camera. In addition
and in case of disaster and retakes, there were three standbys – an apple-filled
frying pan and two ready-baked tarts – a real hassle to get all of that ready so
early in the morning. Whether many of our viewers were able to follow the final intricate proceedings, I don’t know – but we did it all in one take, in 3 1/2
minutes, and we felt triumphant."

I am using Julia's version instead of the recipe I received from Sur La Table. Both are pretty much the same. You might find somethings that work better for you that go against the recipe. I did at least on Thanksgiving, when I was pressed for time. Mine still turned out flawlessly and not one apple slice was left in that pan when I mastered that heart stopping flip that everyone dreads. Remain calm and act quick That's the best bit of advice I can give you. 

Let us stay true to Julia and rid all of fears when it comes to cooking! Challenge yourself and remember have fun! Bon appetite my friends!

La Tarte Tatin

For an 8-inch tart, serving 6

5 to 6 apples, Golden Delicious recommended –

the right apple is essential here…

The grated rind and juice of 1 lemon

1 1/2 cups sugar

3 ounces (6 tablespoons) unsalted butter,

cut into 1/2-inch pieces

8 ounces butter pastry dough

[about half of the recipe]

Optional accompaniment:

whipped cream, sour cream, or vanilla ice cream

Special Equipment Suggested: A heavy ovenproof frying pan,

such as cast-iron, 9 by 2 inches with fairly straight sides,or heavy no-stick aluminum; a bulb baster, a cover for the pan;a large enough flat-bottomed serving dish

Preparing the apples: Quarter, core, and peel the apples; cut the quarters in half lengthwise. Toss in a bowl with the lemon and 1/2 cup of sugar,and let steep 20 minutes so they will exude their juices. Drain them.

The caramel: Set the frying pan over moderately high heat with the butter, and when melted blend in the remaining [1 cup] sugar. Stir about with a wooden spoon for several minutes, until the syrup turns a bubbly caramel brown– it will smooth out later, when the apples juices dissolve the sugar.Arranging the apples in the pan. Remove from heat and arrange a layer of apple slices nicely in the bottom of the pan to make an attractive design [illustration in cookbook, essentially circling the apples slices around the circumference of the pan and then filling in the middle]. Arrange the rest of the apples on top,. close packed and only reasonably neat. Add enough so that they heap up 1 inch higher than the rim of the pan they sink down as they cook.

Preliminary stove-top cooking: 20 to 25 minutes. (Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F for the next step, placing the rack in the lower middle level.) Set the pan again over moderately high heat, pressing the apples down as

they soften, and drawing the accumulated juices up over them with the bulb baster- basting gives the whole apple mass a deliciously buttery caramel flavor. In several minutes, when the apples begin to soften, cover the pan and continue cooking 10 to 15 minutes, checking and basting frequently until the juices are thick and syrupy. Remove from heat, and let cool slightly while you roll out the dough.

The dough: Roll the chilled dough into a circle 3/16 inch thick and 1 inch larger than the top of your pan. Cut 4 steam holes, 1/4-inch size,1 1/2 inches from around the center of the dough. Working rapidly, fold the dough in half, then in quarters; center the point over the apples.Unfold the dough over the apples. Press the edges of the dough down between the apples and the inside of the pan [illustrated in cookbook].

Baking: about 20 minutes at 425 degrees F. Bake until the pastry has browned and crisped. Being careful of the red-hot pan handle,remove from the oven.

Verification: Tilt the pan, and if the juices are runny rather than a thick syrup, boil down rapidly on top on the stove, but be sure not to evaporate them completely or the apples will stick to the pan.

Serving. Still remembering that the pan is red-hot, turn the serving dish upside down over the apples and reverse the two to unmold the tart. If not quite neat in design – which does happen – rearrange slices as necessary. Serve hot, warm, or cold, with the optional cream or ice cream.

Variations: Substitute firm ripe unblemished pears for the apples –Bartletts, Comice, or Bosc.

My masterpiece from Thanksgiving

From my Sur La Table cooking class earlier this month. I mastered the flip.

Smile, you are beautiful

Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes

God made you as you are.

Embrace His gift to you.

Accept the masterpiece

That He has given you.

He made you with His hands.

Try not to criticize.

For He makes no mistakes.

See yourself through His eyes.

You’re lovely and unique

Inside and outside, too.

As you accept yourself,

Your peace will show right through.

Replace your thoughts with His.

He’ll bless the one who tries.

He’ll honor your attempts.

See yourself through His eyes.

Holds freedom in His hands

He longs to grant to you;

Replace the bondage with

A peace and joy so true.

So focus on the truth

To put to death the lies.

Look to the Holy One.

See yourself through His eyes.

By Laurie Glass

In My Element

For the past few weeks I have been anticipating my very first professional cooking class through Sur La Table's culinary program. For years I have been involved in culinary classes throughout middle school and high school but never in a professional setting. This is one of my dreams that I can now cross off my list. 

The day had finally come. I was so antsy the night before that I spent an eternity just trying to pick out the perfect outfit. It's a must to look fabulous when you're cooking. Just look at the lovely Julia Child; She never was found in the kitchen without her precious pearls.

As I entered Sur La Table, I noticed I was the first student there. Perfect. I needed to make sure I had the best seat in the house. 

The kitchen was beautiful. The mise en place (ingredients) were all set up in stations and the butcher block top was impeccably clean. As I looked up above I noticed a mirror over the island to help the students study the chef's every move. One could only dream of being in a setting such as this everyday. The comforts of the kitchen left me feeling like I was at home.

Six-thirty came around and the other students started to arrive. There were four total in the class; One married couple and another gal and I. Chef Ben split us into two groups and went over all of the dishes that we were going to whip up for the evening. First on the agenda was of course my favorite meal, dessert. The apple tart tatin. This classic caramel apple dessert is said to have originated at the Hotel Tatin in central France. Legend has it that the dessert was created by accident when the filling for an apple pie was allowed to cook and turn caramel brown. I knew this was going to be my new favorite dessert. Combine caramel and apples and you have won my heart over. 

Apple Tart Tatin


While our tarts were in the oven, we started prepping the pan seared chicken breast with orange tarragon butter. Now I'm going to be honest. I get a little nervous when I am cooking any type of protein, whether it's chicken, pork, steak, etc. I am always afraid I am going to have an incident like in Christmas vacation where they cut the bird and a poof of smoke comes out, leaving something that looks like it should have belonged in the movie ALIEN. I was determined to perfect this chicken breast. I was not going to end up with a dry chunk of cardboard...not on my watch! 

Griswold Christmas dinner scene. CLASSIC.

What you don't want. The Grizwold turkey.

First thing I learned was that when cooking with proteins, always oil the meat first, not the pan. This creates that delectable crispy skin that we love so much. We seared the meat until we achieved that nice golden brown color, but still leaving the inside a little raw. For the perfect juicy breast you want your temperature to reach 150 degrees and then after 10 minutes resting, a final temp of 155. Do not, I repeat, do not cut that breast until it has rested! You will lose all those yummy juices. While the chicken finished cooking in the oven, we prepared the sauce. Nothing better than pairing the bright floral flavors of orange and tarragon with creamy butter. 

Pan Seared Chicken Breast with Orange Tarragon Butter

Next up was the side dish of butternut squash with shallots and sage. So simple and within 10-15 minutes you have a dish that tastes like it's been slow cooking all day. Perfect for those hectic weeknights or alongside your Thanksgiving turkey. The slow cooking allows for the natural sugars with the vegetable to caramelize, creating that candy like sweetness. 

As we were waiting on the rest of the dishes to finish cooking we started on our last dish of the evening. The steamed clams with chorizo sausage and fennel. Now fennel is one of those veggies that I have always been a little hesitant about cooking with. I never know what to pair it with or  how long to cook it for, but this dish changed all that and helped me appreciate the delicate flavors. The clams make for a wonderful warm and comforting meal. Just serve with rustic loaves to absorb all of the wonderful flavors of the broth. 

Clams with Sausage and Fennel

After two hours of cooking the time finally came to taste all of our delicious creations. I cannot even describe the feeling of eating something that you have put so much heart and soul into. It makes the dish taste that much better. Each one of these creations that we made that night, was one of a kind. The flavors were incredible and unlike anything I had had before. 

My full plate. And yes I did have two slice of the tart.
I could not reist. 

French cooking is absolutely beautiful. You are taking simple ingredients and enhancing their flavors. Do not let the skill sets of professional chefs intimidate you. Takes these words to heart from the famous Julia,“This is my invariable advice to people: Learn how to cook- try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, be fearless, and above all have fun!” 

And I did exactly that. I took advantage of every opportunity that came my way in the class. Not only did I master the art of flipping the frying pan and creating the best darn apple tart tatin you have ever seen, but the chef even compared my cooking style to the famous Julia Child. BEST COMPLIMENT EVER. I was fearless with flipping that tarte! I guess the fact that I love taking risks in the kitchen makes for an excellent chef in the making. Who knew. 

That night one of my dreams came true. I was the star pupil in a professional cooking class.I am so incredibly blessed that I was given this opportunity and now I can check one more thing off my list. Thank you Jesus! 

Can't wait for next month's class, Cooking with Julia! Stay tuned. 

In my element.

Never give up on yourself

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground." Ephesians 6:13

Today marks two weeks since my last dietician appointment. It was really difficult at first to get into the swing of my new meal plan but as the days went by it became less stressful and seemed pretty normal. I abided by her recommendations and didn't fight the list at all.

This morning I boarded the max to visit Valerie for my second time. This visit was a little bit different because nerves took over. I felt sick to my stomach and was scared to see what these past 2 weeks have done to me. That scale scared the crap out of me. I still refuse to see the number and I don't think I will ever want to see it again. Why do we let that number dictate who we are?

She asked me how I handled these past 2 weeks and I told her everything from waking up with night sweats to having a breakdown over the amount of carbs I ate one day. She reassured me that night sweats were a sign that my metabolism was boosting into gear. Great news.

"The fact that you are already having those symptoms Shannon is great!" Positive feedback...wonderful...just what I needed to hear.

It then came that time, which I dread...time to check my weight. Once I stepped up, she paused and said, "Oh dear.""What does that mean?!" "It means that instead of gaining weight you lost 1 1/2 pounds." Huh...usually I would be jumping for joy over this news, but now I just wanted to cry. After all my hard work these past 14 days, and I have to hear that I' m going the opposite direction of where I should be heading. She had suspected that this would be the case, just with everything going in my life right now.

"Well Shannon, do not get discouraged! This just means we have to work a litte bit harder."
She continually gives me hope and reminds me that everything we are doing to my body is a science and has to be perfected. It's about finding that right balance that works for us.

If anything, this news has made me want to fight and destroy this disease even more!!! It will not defeat me. With God by my side I know I can get through this.

I have my new notes to go off of, we're mixing things up a bit, and adding more of the healthy fats to lunch and dinner. I'm really excited to try new meals and experiment with these new ingredients. Eating the same thing day in and day out gets old after while. It still amazes me that I was able to stomach eating Special K Cereal, every meal for over a year. It absolutely breaks my heart that I let it get to that point.

But now I am on to new and better things! Once again it all comes down to hope. Without hope in God, hope does not exist. God has blessed me with a wonderful dietician who supports me and gives me the encouragement that I need. I pray that God holds my hand these next two weeks. Out with the old me and in with the new!

Lord, cover me with peace, truth, faith, and salvation so I can stand firm in the battle.

Focus on the goal

"May I not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:34

Lord, 
free me from the shackles of anxiety. They weigh me down to the core. I long for you to lift me out of this. Bring me to the light Lord. I cast off my burdens and fears to you so that I can be rescued. My soul longs for your healing and strength heavenly father.  Set my mind and heart at peace. Keep me close in your arms and comfort me during this journey. I love you Jesus with my life. Thank you for all your blessings and mercies. I am so incredibly grateful. 

Yesterday as I was walking home from the library my mom called to check in. She worries about me all the time. God bless her. Instead of striking up a normal conversation, I broke down into tears; not even being able to get any words out. She asked what was wrong and I told her that it just was a bad day. Depression and anxiety began to take over.

Anxiety is like taking away oxygen. Your chest feels tight and you desperately want to take in air. The tears begin to stream down your face, leaving your vision cloudy. Your body feels limp like you could collapse at any moment. The darkness consumes every ounce of your being. You feel like there is no way out.

Aside from feeling of little worth, I also began feeling anxious about paying bills for the month. Ever since leaving Fox, I have been slammed with paying off student loans. Welcome to the real world. Even though I am financially set, it still is hard giving up the majority of your paycheck to the banks. I always worry that I am never going to get out of this loan debt. My pastor at church once said that 95% of the time we worry about things that don't even end up happening. He is so right on with this one.

"Worry leads to anxiety, the state of being where fear, nerves, pounding pulse rates, and tight breathing in your chest becomes a permanent fixed lifestyle. For some of us, anxiety is part of our identity. Who wants to live like that?" ~from John Mark Comer's book,  My Name Is Hope.

Why on earth am I complaining and stressing about finances when I am so incredibly blessed to have a job and money in the bank?! My brother and I talked for a long time yesterday just about my worries and how it's pointless to be stressing about something that most likely will not even happen. I need to stop letting fear and worry consume my life. It all ties in with money, the future, and my eating disorder. Why do we worry? It hardens our heart and eats away at us like a disease. Satan loves for us to be worried and stressed. He enjoys watching us cry ourselves to sleep over something as small as what the next medical bill is going to be. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is important. Yes, it might seem like it in the moment, but we need to focus on the future that God has in store for us; the goal of being Heaven bound.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Refusing Doubt

"Be brave when you face your enemies. Your courage will show them that you will be saved. God will make all this happen." Philippians 1:28

My enemy is this disease. For the past week and a half I have been abiding by my eating plan. At first it was no big deal but as the days progress my mind fills with doubt. I begin to see myself as a failure and question why I am even doing this. It's when those questions come to me that I immediately start to pray. "God rid these evil thoughts from my head!" I am beautiful in his sight and that's all that matters.

When you are hit with a struggle such as this, you try and find the reason behind it. Was it my father's death? Was I born with this? You can question yourself all you want, but the truth comes down to sin. Sin eats away at each and everyone of us every day until the day we die. It's the sad truth. In my case I was very vulnerable when this all began. For me high school was a test. It was one of the most crucial moments in my life thus far. All I cared about was acceptance, and trying to"find myself." But really, do we ever find ourselves? There is no right answer, but one thing I do know is, that because of these dark times, I have found myself in Jesus. Instead of trying to do everything on  my own, I have giving him full reign of my life. No more trying to control the situation or the people in my lives.

Control goes all the way back to Eden. Unfortunately it is part of a woman's nature. We are "fixers." When you face insecurities of any kind you use various tactics to make sense of your lives to achieve some form of stability. It can also takes on the form of love. We try and fix those around us to make them "better people." Are we really helping the person or does it all boil down to creating significance in our lives?

Julie Clinton, a local Christian author wrote," Other people's lives belong to Him, so we shouldn't try and take them into our own hands." Its time to step aside and stop trying to fix things. Give it all to God.

Lord,
I ask that you continue to speak to my heart. Help me with my controlling nature. I give all of myself to you. You have full reign of my life, and I desperately seek your help. Heal me Lord God and guide me back to the path that you have set out before me. I trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Whenever doubt comes my way I will refuse it!!!

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." Song of  Soloman 4:7

"You, Lord, do not see as People see. People look at my outward appearance, but you look at my heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

The Beauty of Death

In the past 4 years I will have witnessed three family members enter the kingdom of Heaven. Never being exposed to death before, my first account was by far the most horrific, precious, and life-altering experience of my life. The first being my daddy. That day will forever haunt me. I remember the looks on everyone's face as we slowly watched our best friend leave this earth to be with Jesus. It was beautiful.

Death is the strangest thing. You never know how someone is going to pass. With my dad it was so fast, all of the memories jumble together. I do however remember looking in his eyes and seeing death take over. It was almost as if I could see the blindness hinder his sight; very similar to people who develop cataracts in their older years. His eyes were just staring at the ceiling; looking into a world only he could see.

Most people hope to God that they never have to witness someone they love dearly pass away, but for me, I count it as a blessing and the most precious moment in my life. My father was able to see me enter this world and I was holding his hand as he left mine.

This past March my grandma left us to be with the Lord. As a resident at the assisted living home, she experienced Heaven and death in many different ways; some very similar to my dad. She would often stare at the ceiling and have conversations with people only she could see. My dad did the exact same thing before he passed. There were times when I would be cradling him like a child because he grew anxious, saying things like, "please not yet."

Toward the end of my grandmother's life she would tell me how she would see my dad and he promised that everything was going to be alright. I knew that he would be standing at the gates of Heaven awaiting her arrival.

As for my grandpa, it's been a little bit different of an experience. I feel comfortable enough with death that in a way I have embraced it; yet still watching someone struggling to breath and living in a body that is just skin and bones is wearing on the soul. It's at that point that you just lay the hand of God on their lives and pray that the Lord takes them peacefully in their sleep.

Last night we all stood around my grandpa, making him as comfortable as possible. As the chaplain read from John 11, I glanced over at my sweet grandpa's face remembering all our memories growing up. It amazes me, thinking back to a few months ago when I was carrying on a conversation with him about how much I loved my job, and here we are now, watching him slowly slip out of our lives.

He spoke very little but when he did we listened closely. Struggling, he managed to get out, "the sand is gone." We had no idea if it was the morphine talking or if he was coherent, but my uncle stood back amazed.

"How profound...he's referring to the sands of time."


I would not trade these moments for anything. Yes they are extremely difficult, but again, they are precious moments that God has blessed us with to strengthen our soul.

I love you daddy, grandma, and grandpa. I thank God that he let me sit by your side as you left this world to enter a new home where no sin, pain, or suffering exists; Only happiness, love, and joy. May God keep you safe in his arms.

Last night was the last time I will ever hold my grandpa's hand. As I left the room, I told him how much I loved him, and he nodded and said, "I love you too. Night night."

Night night sweet grandpa. Sleep well and rest in peace.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

Psalm 71:20

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

A Lesson of Hope

Surprisingly I was not nervous at all stepping into the hospital waiting room. With the Lord's strength and my mom by my side, I knew everything was going to be okay. This past Thursday was my first dietician appointment. As I stepped into my doctors office, the first thing I noticed were books stacked on top of each other with bindings that had titles such as BINGING, ANOREXIA, and STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDERS. What great reads...I knew right away I was in it for the long haul.

She wanted to know what brought me here, and I explained the issue and with encouraging words she gave me hope, saying that this was a huge step coming here today and she could see my commitment.

"Everything you have done to your body Shannon is reversible." Such a sigh of relief to hear those words. Once again, my disorder comes back to that lesson of Hope. Hope for a new beginning and Hope that I will be healthy again.

As I continued to tell her my story she then wanted to know what a day in the life of Shannon was like. I started off listing everything I ate for breakfast, snacks, lunch, and dinner. Then the tough questions came..."Are you hungry all the time? Do you find yourself falling asleep easily? Do you forget things? Is your skin really dry?"  My head was absolutely spinning, and of course all of my answers  were yes. Not good. She explained to me that because I have excluded fats and carbs out of my diet all of these aspects of my life are slacking. Your body needs fats, despite the what our society thinks of them.

"Shannon, once you start adding back those healthy fats, you are going to feel so much better."
Once again, pointing towards Hope.

At the end of the meeting we discussed goals, and these are what I came up with:

• be a healthy weight
• don't let the fear of food consume my life
• gain my love of cooking back
• enjoy meals with family and friends
• gain self-confidence in my image, as well as who I am as a person

She is starting me off slowly incorporating new things into my diet. It is a science and she informed me that if we add things too fast my metabolism will spike and I will drop weight like crazy. Definitely don't want to go that route. Right now she has me adding 1/4 C almonds to my diet everyday, along with 1 tsp oil to lunch and dinner, and then adding 1/2 carb/starch to whatever I eat. Seems easy to the average person, but to me this is an obstacle that I need to overcome. It's hard, I'm not gonna lie. But I made a promise to my family, my doctor, God and myself. I am not going to let anyone down this time. I am determined to not let Satan win this battle. God has my back and he is fighting right along side me. 

A life of love.

"I would rather be the person dying then be the people who are living and are left behind."

These are the words of Ryan Woods who was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in the spine. He was given 1-4 months to live. Ryan's story is one of faith, hope, perseverance, and love. He is a true testament of what it means to live your life to the fullest. 

My father passed away 4 years ago from cancer of the brain, glioblastoma multiforme. And like Ryan, they also gave my father a timeframe. It was a very aggressive form of brain cancer and by the time that they caught the tumors he was already at a stage 4. 

My dad is my hero. During his illness he showed extreme courage, testing of his faith and perseverance. Not once did he fear death. I remember asking him, "Daddy are you afraid of dying?" He just looked at me and said, "Shannon, why on earth would I be afraid of dying? They are people in this world who are far worse off then me." It's those words that helped me realize that death is just another part of our story. It should not be feared. If anything it should bring us hope that we are that much closer to spending eternity with Jesus. What brings me so much happiness is that my daddy is no longer in that body anymore and his courage and love has led him to a life with Jesus. 

Because of people like Ryan and my dad, we are inspired; Inspired to give back to our communities with love and service. I thank my hero, Patrick William Donohue, for making me the woman I am today. Dad you have amazed me in so many ways; Through your courage, strength, faith, and love for your family, friends, and Jesus. It is because of you and God's hand that has led me to the decision to volunteer at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital. Today is my orientation and I am so excited to see what this opportunity brings. Dad, I pray that God gives me the same attributes that he blessed you with during your sickness.I love you with all my heart and truly thank you for being such an inspiration to us all. 

We all have the opportunity to have a beautiful story told...what kind of story are we going to live out as we are dying?

I commit to a life of love and giving back.

Please watch this video, "My Last Days: Meet Ryan Woods" It will move your spirit in so many ways.