Fear.

Fear. The fear of not being loved and accepted. The fear of what people will think of me since I have put on some weight. The fear of not being a size 0. The fear of not knowing what lies ahead. These are some of the painful thoughts that have been pouring into my mind for the past 2 months. A part from being at work, I have dreaded leaving the house. 

I wish I could explain to the ones I love what this feels like, but no one quite understands. When you go out in public, you feel that all eyes are on you and it's constant judgement. “Oh man she looks so bad. I wonder how much she's put on?” You lose all confidence in yourself and doubt why you're still here. My love of life has been ripped away from me once again.

I dread the mirror, and pray to God that he changes the person that I see before me. It kills me on the inside and I constantly pick a part my flaws. It's pathetic that I have to speed walk past the wall of mirrors at work, to escape myself. How did it get to this point to where I can't even accept who I am anymore?

I am so sorry to everyone that I have hurt during this process. I know you don't understand and I wish I could give you a glimpse of what this is like. Just know how much I love you. All I ask is for your patience. I know you never know what to expect from me anymore, but please know that I am trying my absolute best to beat this. And everyday I focus on being stronger with God's grace.

Tonight at church we learned how we need to rid the fear of man out of our life by accepting who we are. No more comparing ourselves to one another, and striving to be something that we are not. All that matters is how our Father sees us, and what an awesome feeling knowing that I am a part of His family.

First off Lord, thank you for blessing me with the gift of being your daughter. I ask God, that you please  grant me serenity. Help me to look past these evil thoughts that take over my life. It doesn't matter what size I am, or how "fit" I am. The love that pours from my heart is all that matters. Help me to rid these selfish desires, by looking at ways to help others. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family. 
In his name,  

Eggy goodness

As I was browsing Pinterest the other day I came across a recipe for a "breakfast pizza." I did some research and realized just how easy this was! I did however make some alterations in making it a "healthy" option. My version became more of a soufflé/fruity pancake. Simply delicious! The nice thing about this recipe is that there are so many different variations that you can play around with. I added Bosch pears to mine along with a drizzle of agave syrup on top. 

Ingredients:

1. 6 eggs
2. 1/2 Splenda or Stevia (for the sugar-free version)or 1/4 cup sugar if you don't mind the sweetness
3. whatever fruit is in season. Mix it up and create fun combos! 

Using a hand held mixer, blend first two ingredients until a frothy foam takes over the bowl. After that, place mixture into a glass pie pan that has been lightly sprayed with Pam. Arrange sliced fruit on top and cook the eggy goodness for 25 minutes at 350. Make sure that it has turned a golden brown. If not, then place it back in the oven and cook in 5 minute increments until done. Make sure to keep a close eye on it! Every oven is a little different. 

Once it is done, lightly drizzle the top with agave or whatever your favorite syrup may be. Enjoy my friends. And Bon Appetite!

The Daily Rise

Sometimes I fight
To be the best that I can
But there's always competition
And I don't always win.

There's one place in my life
Where I never have to compete
It's in the eyes of Jesus,
For his love makes me complete.

Some days I feel average
Other days I barely measure up
But every day with Jesus
I'm made perfectly by His love.

All glory to the King
Who gives me power to overcome
To daily rise above my ruins
And live for Him alone.

-Bridget, Secrets Young Women Keep

Operation Destroy Pants

"So what is serenity? It is actually eating on Thanksgiving Day.It is enjoying myself at a cookout. It is being along without being afraid. It is having the energy to walk around the block. It is letting go. It is letting people get close to me and my boundaries. It is honest. It is being able  to say no. It is the ability to focus. It is the passion to pursue my dreams. It's having so much more time for living. It's me. And it can be you too." Jenni, Life with Ed

It's been a little over 2 years now that I have been fighting a constant battle, but day by day I am gaining more freedom, and leaving "Ted" (what I named my eating disorder) behind. As part of the recovery process, my counselor wanted me to destroy my so called, "skinny jeans." With wearing them, I still held on to a part of my childhood. I loved looking and feeling like a little girl, when I should be embracing the various stages of womanhood. By accepting being a woman I was leaving the memories of my dad behind. I became an adult without a father, and I wanted to cling on to those memories with him for as long as possible. By looking in the mirror each morning, I would stare back at a "younger" version of myself; making it seem like no time had passed by, and that perhaps, my dad still was on "vacation." 

Well time has passed and now that I have become a woman, I have put away the little girl within. Life with Ted is no more. He cannot tear the joy from my life. I am beautiful, strong, and God made me just the way I am to shine for his glory. I have taken back control and am ready to start living once again. So long Ted. This time I have defeated you. Take that you piece of crap.