Today is one of those days

where the anxiety takes over my every thought. For the past 7 years I have dealt with this demon of mine. Most of the time it is manageable and other times the only thing that helps is being by myself. I hate living in fear of when I am going to have a "bad day." I lose myself every time it happens but you know what? Every attack I have had has made me the woman I am today. 

Today I might be crippled by the fear that takes over but it will not defeat me. 

Tomorrow I have a life changing interview for a position I have been pursuing since I started my career. I refuse to let my anxiety take over. Instead, I am going to head into that room with confidence, kick the shit out of my fears and use the knowledge and strength I have developed in the past 4 years to prove that I am the best candidate. 

I take this challenge and I will prove to anyone that has ever doubted my abilities that I can do this. 

Progress is progress, no matter how small

It's been a while since I've written on here...since my last posting a lot has happened in my life. I've had a few slip ups here and there but for the most part I've remained strong. There are times though when you try and remain strong for too long and and it only leads to fear and anxiety. 

The other day I needed to purchase some new jeans. Not focusing on the numbers I grabbed an armful and headed to the dressing room. Every time I step into one of those enclosed spaces I feel my chest tightening up, and the air feels heavy. I talk myself through it and pray to God that he'll step in and help. As I try on the different styles, my mind starts racing. I hate absolutely everything in that mirror that is looking back at me. Hateful words start filling my heart and my breathing speeds up and I get shaky. I knew at that point that I had made a huge mistake going in there by myself. I should have asked my mom for help. I grabbed one of the pairs and looked at the tag. I felt like the number was taunting me. "Yep, that's right! You've gained that much weight since your last fitting! You've failed."

I noticed that my anger and fear were swelling up inside, and I took that pain and began digging my nails into my skin. It amazes me quickly God intercedes in situations like that. As I am on the ground hugging my knees, crying out to him, he immediately eases my pain. 

After my attack all I wanted was reassurance.... My mom's hugs always help with that. Just her embrace made me feel at home. God's voice was also speaking to me louder than ever telling me what a beautiful daughter he has, and how lucky he is that I share his love with others on a daily basis just with being me. Every flaw, every imperfection on my body makes up who I am. I have an ugly past filled with pain, but it happened for a reason and it makes up my story. 

I knew the recovery process was not going to be an easy road. This incident just shows that you can have a step back at any moment. What you need to focus on though is the end goal...not complete recovery, but a life free from pain. A life where you are able to look at yourself and love who God has created you to be. No matter what events you have had to face, nothing can take God's love away from you. ALWAYS remember that. 

 

Fear.

Fear. The fear of not being loved and accepted. The fear of what people will think of me since I have put on some weight. The fear of not being a size 0. The fear of not knowing what lies ahead. These are some of the painful thoughts that have been pouring into my mind for the past 2 months. A part from being at work, I have dreaded leaving the house. 

I wish I could explain to the ones I love what this feels like, but no one quite understands. When you go out in public, you feel that all eyes are on you and it's constant judgement. “Oh man she looks so bad. I wonder how much she's put on?” You lose all confidence in yourself and doubt why you're still here. My love of life has been ripped away from me once again.

I dread the mirror, and pray to God that he changes the person that I see before me. It kills me on the inside and I constantly pick a part my flaws. It's pathetic that I have to speed walk past the wall of mirrors at work, to escape myself. How did it get to this point to where I can't even accept who I am anymore?

I am so sorry to everyone that I have hurt during this process. I know you don't understand and I wish I could give you a glimpse of what this is like. Just know how much I love you. All I ask is for your patience. I know you never know what to expect from me anymore, but please know that I am trying my absolute best to beat this. And everyday I focus on being stronger with God's grace.

Tonight at church we learned how we need to rid the fear of man out of our life by accepting who we are. No more comparing ourselves to one another, and striving to be something that we are not. All that matters is how our Father sees us, and what an awesome feeling knowing that I am a part of His family.

First off Lord, thank you for blessing me with the gift of being your daughter. I ask God, that you please  grant me serenity. Help me to look past these evil thoughts that take over my life. It doesn't matter what size I am, or how "fit" I am. The love that pours from my heart is all that matters. Help me to rid these selfish desires, by looking at ways to help others. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family. 
In his name,  

Eggy goodness

As I was browsing Pinterest the other day I came across a recipe for a "breakfast pizza." I did some research and realized just how easy this was! I did however make some alterations in making it a "healthy" option. My version became more of a soufflé/fruity pancake. Simply delicious! The nice thing about this recipe is that there are so many different variations that you can play around with. I added Bosch pears to mine along with a drizzle of agave syrup on top. 

Ingredients:

1. 6 eggs
2. 1/2 Splenda or Stevia (for the sugar-free version)or 1/4 cup sugar if you don't mind the sweetness
3. whatever fruit is in season. Mix it up and create fun combos! 

Using a hand held mixer, blend first two ingredients until a frothy foam takes over the bowl. After that, place mixture into a glass pie pan that has been lightly sprayed with Pam. Arrange sliced fruit on top and cook the eggy goodness for 25 minutes at 350. Make sure that it has turned a golden brown. If not, then place it back in the oven and cook in 5 minute increments until done. Make sure to keep a close eye on it! Every oven is a little different. 

Once it is done, lightly drizzle the top with agave or whatever your favorite syrup may be. Enjoy my friends. And Bon Appetite!

The Daily Rise

Sometimes I fight
To be the best that I can
But there's always competition
And I don't always win.

There's one place in my life
Where I never have to compete
It's in the eyes of Jesus,
For his love makes me complete.

Some days I feel average
Other days I barely measure up
But every day with Jesus
I'm made perfectly by His love.

All glory to the King
Who gives me power to overcome
To daily rise above my ruins
And live for Him alone.

-Bridget, Secrets Young Women Keep

Operation Destroy Pants

"So what is serenity? It is actually eating on Thanksgiving Day.It is enjoying myself at a cookout. It is being along without being afraid. It is having the energy to walk around the block. It is letting go. It is letting people get close to me and my boundaries. It is honest. It is being able  to say no. It is the ability to focus. It is the passion to pursue my dreams. It's having so much more time for living. It's me. And it can be you too." Jenni, Life with Ed

It's been a little over 2 years now that I have been fighting a constant battle, but day by day I am gaining more freedom, and leaving "Ted" (what I named my eating disorder) behind. As part of the recovery process, my counselor wanted me to destroy my so called, "skinny jeans." With wearing them, I still held on to a part of my childhood. I loved looking and feeling like a little girl, when I should be embracing the various stages of womanhood. By accepting being a woman I was leaving the memories of my dad behind. I became an adult without a father, and I wanted to cling on to those memories with him for as long as possible. By looking in the mirror each morning, I would stare back at a "younger" version of myself; making it seem like no time had passed by, and that perhaps, my dad still was on "vacation." 

Well time has passed and now that I have become a woman, I have put away the little girl within. Life with Ted is no more. He cannot tear the joy from my life. I am beautiful, strong, and God made me just the way I am to shine for his glory. I have taken back control and am ready to start living once again. So long Ted. This time I have defeated you. Take that you piece of crap. 

Goodbye Ted

Who is Ted you may ask? It's the thing that has kept me from living for the past 2 years. It's my eating disorder. Most girls in recovery refer to theirs as Ed, but that was my grandpa's name and I refuse to say, "I hate Ed," so my mom came up with a much better name for him; Ted. Just saying the name gives me the creeps. 

I met with my counselor today and poured out my heart. For the past couple of weeks it has been really hard to come to grips with the weight gain. I've had to change out my favorite pair of designer jeans, and let me tell you...it was not easy. Instead of giving them away, knowing I will never fit in them, I tucked them away in my wardrobe so I wouldn't be tempted. When I told Shirley this, she questioned why I didn't just trash them. I stopped and thought about it...why hadn't I thrown them away or donated them to a charity? It is because a small part of me hoped I would fit back into them again. Maybe I would have a relapse and lose a bunch of weight...or so I had hoped. No! Ted was not going to win this time! 

Shirley and I came up with a game-plan. I was going to destroy those jeans. Instead of giving them away I was going to make them suffer. Ever thing I did to those pair of jeans would symbolize what Ted has done to my life. I would burn them, stomp on them with mud, slash them with scissors out of anger and hatred to all of the pain that Ted has caused me. I was determined to take something hideous like my eating disorder and turn it into something beautiful. So those pair of jeans would become an abstract piece of artwork that would be displayed in a shadow box to celebrate my recovery. The quote that will be part of the piece was inspired by 1 Corinthians 13:11,Paul says, "when I became a man, I put away childish things." Just like Paul put away his childhood, I will now put mine to rest as well. By letting my jeans go, I am accepting the stages of becoming a woman. I am putting my past, my pain, and my father's death to rest. 

So goodbye Ted. You will no longer have any power over me. 

P.S. I will post the final pictures from my project this week. Stay tuned.