The other day I needed to purchase some new jeans. Not focusing on the numbers I grabbed an armful and headed to the dressing room. Every time I step into one of those enclosed spaces I feel my chest tightening up, and the air feels heavy. I talk myself through it and pray to God that he'll step in and help. As I try on the different styles, my mind starts racing. I hate absolutely everything in that mirror that is looking back at me. Hateful words start filling my heart and my breathing speeds up and I get shaky. I knew at that point that I had made a huge mistake going in there by myself. I should have asked my mom for help. I grabbed one of the pairs and looked at the tag. I felt like the number was taunting me. "Yep, that's right! You've gained that much weight since your last fitting! You've failed."
I noticed that my anger and fear were swelling up inside, and I took that pain and began digging my nails into my skin. It amazes me quickly God intercedes in situations like that. As I am on the ground hugging my knees, crying out to him, he immediately eases my pain.
After my attack all I wanted was reassurance.... My mom's hugs always help with that. Just her embrace made me feel at home. God's voice was also speaking to me louder than ever telling me what a beautiful daughter he has, and how lucky he is that I share his love with others on a daily basis just with being me. Every flaw, every imperfection on my body makes up who I am. I have an ugly past filled with pain, but it happened for a reason and it makes up my story.
I knew the recovery process was not going to be an easy road. This incident just shows that you can have a step back at any moment. What you need to focus on though is the end goal...not complete recovery, but a life free from pain. A life where you are able to look at yourself and love who God has created you to be. No matter what events you have had to face, nothing can take God's love away from you. ALWAYS remember that.
