Focus on the goal

"May I not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:34

Lord, 
free me from the shackles of anxiety. They weigh me down to the core. I long for you to lift me out of this. Bring me to the light Lord. I cast off my burdens and fears to you so that I can be rescued. My soul longs for your healing and strength heavenly father.  Set my mind and heart at peace. Keep me close in your arms and comfort me during this journey. I love you Jesus with my life. Thank you for all your blessings and mercies. I am so incredibly grateful. 

Yesterday as I was walking home from the library my mom called to check in. She worries about me all the time. God bless her. Instead of striking up a normal conversation, I broke down into tears; not even being able to get any words out. She asked what was wrong and I told her that it just was a bad day. Depression and anxiety began to take over.

Anxiety is like taking away oxygen. Your chest feels tight and you desperately want to take in air. The tears begin to stream down your face, leaving your vision cloudy. Your body feels limp like you could collapse at any moment. The darkness consumes every ounce of your being. You feel like there is no way out.

Aside from feeling of little worth, I also began feeling anxious about paying bills for the month. Ever since leaving Fox, I have been slammed with paying off student loans. Welcome to the real world. Even though I am financially set, it still is hard giving up the majority of your paycheck to the banks. I always worry that I am never going to get out of this loan debt. My pastor at church once said that 95% of the time we worry about things that don't even end up happening. He is so right on with this one.

"Worry leads to anxiety, the state of being where fear, nerves, pounding pulse rates, and tight breathing in your chest becomes a permanent fixed lifestyle. For some of us, anxiety is part of our identity. Who wants to live like that?" ~from John Mark Comer's book,  My Name Is Hope.

Why on earth am I complaining and stressing about finances when I am so incredibly blessed to have a job and money in the bank?! My brother and I talked for a long time yesterday just about my worries and how it's pointless to be stressing about something that most likely will not even happen. I need to stop letting fear and worry consume my life. It all ties in with money, the future, and my eating disorder. Why do we worry? It hardens our heart and eats away at us like a disease. Satan loves for us to be worried and stressed. He enjoys watching us cry ourselves to sleep over something as small as what the next medical bill is going to be. In the grand scheme of things, none of this is important. Yes, it might seem like it in the moment, but we need to focus on the future that God has in store for us; the goal of being Heaven bound.

"Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Refusing Doubt

"Be brave when you face your enemies. Your courage will show them that you will be saved. God will make all this happen." Philippians 1:28

My enemy is this disease. For the past week and a half I have been abiding by my eating plan. At first it was no big deal but as the days progress my mind fills with doubt. I begin to see myself as a failure and question why I am even doing this. It's when those questions come to me that I immediately start to pray. "God rid these evil thoughts from my head!" I am beautiful in his sight and that's all that matters.

When you are hit with a struggle such as this, you try and find the reason behind it. Was it my father's death? Was I born with this? You can question yourself all you want, but the truth comes down to sin. Sin eats away at each and everyone of us every day until the day we die. It's the sad truth. In my case I was very vulnerable when this all began. For me high school was a test. It was one of the most crucial moments in my life thus far. All I cared about was acceptance, and trying to"find myself." But really, do we ever find ourselves? There is no right answer, but one thing I do know is, that because of these dark times, I have found myself in Jesus. Instead of trying to do everything on  my own, I have giving him full reign of my life. No more trying to control the situation or the people in my lives.

Control goes all the way back to Eden. Unfortunately it is part of a woman's nature. We are "fixers." When you face insecurities of any kind you use various tactics to make sense of your lives to achieve some form of stability. It can also takes on the form of love. We try and fix those around us to make them "better people." Are we really helping the person or does it all boil down to creating significance in our lives?

Julie Clinton, a local Christian author wrote," Other people's lives belong to Him, so we shouldn't try and take them into our own hands." Its time to step aside and stop trying to fix things. Give it all to God.

Lord,
I ask that you continue to speak to my heart. Help me with my controlling nature. I give all of myself to you. You have full reign of my life, and I desperately seek your help. Heal me Lord God and guide me back to the path that you have set out before me. I trust in you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Whenever doubt comes my way I will refuse it!!!

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." Song of  Soloman 4:7

"You, Lord, do not see as People see. People look at my outward appearance, but you look at my heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

The Beauty of Death

In the past 4 years I will have witnessed three family members enter the kingdom of Heaven. Never being exposed to death before, my first account was by far the most horrific, precious, and life-altering experience of my life. The first being my daddy. That day will forever haunt me. I remember the looks on everyone's face as we slowly watched our best friend leave this earth to be with Jesus. It was beautiful.

Death is the strangest thing. You never know how someone is going to pass. With my dad it was so fast, all of the memories jumble together. I do however remember looking in his eyes and seeing death take over. It was almost as if I could see the blindness hinder his sight; very similar to people who develop cataracts in their older years. His eyes were just staring at the ceiling; looking into a world only he could see.

Most people hope to God that they never have to witness someone they love dearly pass away, but for me, I count it as a blessing and the most precious moment in my life. My father was able to see me enter this world and I was holding his hand as he left mine.

This past March my grandma left us to be with the Lord. As a resident at the assisted living home, she experienced Heaven and death in many different ways; some very similar to my dad. She would often stare at the ceiling and have conversations with people only she could see. My dad did the exact same thing before he passed. There were times when I would be cradling him like a child because he grew anxious, saying things like, "please not yet."

Toward the end of my grandmother's life she would tell me how she would see my dad and he promised that everything was going to be alright. I knew that he would be standing at the gates of Heaven awaiting her arrival.

As for my grandpa, it's been a little bit different of an experience. I feel comfortable enough with death that in a way I have embraced it; yet still watching someone struggling to breath and living in a body that is just skin and bones is wearing on the soul. It's at that point that you just lay the hand of God on their lives and pray that the Lord takes them peacefully in their sleep.

Last night we all stood around my grandpa, making him as comfortable as possible. As the chaplain read from John 11, I glanced over at my sweet grandpa's face remembering all our memories growing up. It amazes me, thinking back to a few months ago when I was carrying on a conversation with him about how much I loved my job, and here we are now, watching him slowly slip out of our lives.

He spoke very little but when he did we listened closely. Struggling, he managed to get out, "the sand is gone." We had no idea if it was the morphine talking or if he was coherent, but my uncle stood back amazed.

"How profound...he's referring to the sands of time."


I would not trade these moments for anything. Yes they are extremely difficult, but again, they are precious moments that God has blessed us with to strengthen our soul.

I love you daddy, grandma, and grandpa. I thank God that he let me sit by your side as you left this world to enter a new home where no sin, pain, or suffering exists; Only happiness, love, and joy. May God keep you safe in his arms.

Last night was the last time I will ever hold my grandpa's hand. As I left the room, I told him how much I loved him, and he nodded and said, "I love you too. Night night."

Night night sweet grandpa. Sleep well and rest in peace.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

Psalm 71:20

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

A Lesson of Hope

Surprisingly I was not nervous at all stepping into the hospital waiting room. With the Lord's strength and my mom by my side, I knew everything was going to be okay. This past Thursday was my first dietician appointment. As I stepped into my doctors office, the first thing I noticed were books stacked on top of each other with bindings that had titles such as BINGING, ANOREXIA, and STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDERS. What great reads...I knew right away I was in it for the long haul.

She wanted to know what brought me here, and I explained the issue and with encouraging words she gave me hope, saying that this was a huge step coming here today and she could see my commitment.

"Everything you have done to your body Shannon is reversible." Such a sigh of relief to hear those words. Once again, my disorder comes back to that lesson of Hope. Hope for a new beginning and Hope that I will be healthy again.

As I continued to tell her my story she then wanted to know what a day in the life of Shannon was like. I started off listing everything I ate for breakfast, snacks, lunch, and dinner. Then the tough questions came..."Are you hungry all the time? Do you find yourself falling asleep easily? Do you forget things? Is your skin really dry?"  My head was absolutely spinning, and of course all of my answers  were yes. Not good. She explained to me that because I have excluded fats and carbs out of my diet all of these aspects of my life are slacking. Your body needs fats, despite the what our society thinks of them.

"Shannon, once you start adding back those healthy fats, you are going to feel so much better."
Once again, pointing towards Hope.

At the end of the meeting we discussed goals, and these are what I came up with:

• be a healthy weight
• don't let the fear of food consume my life
• gain my love of cooking back
• enjoy meals with family and friends
• gain self-confidence in my image, as well as who I am as a person

She is starting me off slowly incorporating new things into my diet. It is a science and she informed me that if we add things too fast my metabolism will spike and I will drop weight like crazy. Definitely don't want to go that route. Right now she has me adding 1/4 C almonds to my diet everyday, along with 1 tsp oil to lunch and dinner, and then adding 1/2 carb/starch to whatever I eat. Seems easy to the average person, but to me this is an obstacle that I need to overcome. It's hard, I'm not gonna lie. But I made a promise to my family, my doctor, God and myself. I am not going to let anyone down this time. I am determined to not let Satan win this battle. God has my back and he is fighting right along side me. 

A life of love.

"I would rather be the person dying then be the people who are living and are left behind."

These are the words of Ryan Woods who was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in the spine. He was given 1-4 months to live. Ryan's story is one of faith, hope, perseverance, and love. He is a true testament of what it means to live your life to the fullest. 

My father passed away 4 years ago from cancer of the brain, glioblastoma multiforme. And like Ryan, they also gave my father a timeframe. It was a very aggressive form of brain cancer and by the time that they caught the tumors he was already at a stage 4. 

My dad is my hero. During his illness he showed extreme courage, testing of his faith and perseverance. Not once did he fear death. I remember asking him, "Daddy are you afraid of dying?" He just looked at me and said, "Shannon, why on earth would I be afraid of dying? They are people in this world who are far worse off then me." It's those words that helped me realize that death is just another part of our story. It should not be feared. If anything it should bring us hope that we are that much closer to spending eternity with Jesus. What brings me so much happiness is that my daddy is no longer in that body anymore and his courage and love has led him to a life with Jesus. 

Because of people like Ryan and my dad, we are inspired; Inspired to give back to our communities with love and service. I thank my hero, Patrick William Donohue, for making me the woman I am today. Dad you have amazed me in so many ways; Through your courage, strength, faith, and love for your family, friends, and Jesus. It is because of you and God's hand that has led me to the decision to volunteer at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital. Today is my orientation and I am so excited to see what this opportunity brings. Dad, I pray that God gives me the same attributes that he blessed you with during your sickness.I love you with all my heart and truly thank you for being such an inspiration to us all. 

We all have the opportunity to have a beautiful story told...what kind of story are we going to live out as we are dying?

I commit to a life of love and giving back.

Please watch this video, "My Last Days: Meet Ryan Woods" It will move your spirit in so many ways.

Purpose.

"Confidence grows on the foundation of Christ-knowing who He is and that He created you and redeemed you. Never forget that you were created by Him. He knows your name. He knows your challenges. He understands your pain. He loves you as His precious creation. Listen to His voice as saying, My beloved daughter, I knew you in your mother's womb. You didn't just happen. I formed you and created you and I have a purpose for your life."

Over the past couple of days my church has been focusing on prayer for the city of Portland as well as the communities around us. Last night at our church gathering called SEVEN, we spent 2 hours doing nothing but worshipping and praying to the Father. I looked around the room at one point and looked at the faces of everyone praying. There were so many different age groups, ethnicities, and social groups. The fact that we all came together in unity to pray as the body of Christ was absolutely incredible. You could really feel everyone's hearts pouring out. It was such an amazing experience and God really spoke to me. He has given me so much compassion for others and I asked him last night to speak to me these next couple of days to let me know how he wants me to give back to our community. I asked him to use the trials that I have gone through as a way to connect to others; to give them HOPE. HOPE is an amazing thing and it has helped me get through the darkest of times.

Today I received an email from Dornbecher  Children's Hospital in response to my application. Based on my information they believe that I would be a great fit for the volunteer program. If this is the Lord's will let it be done! My heart hurts for the children and the families at Dornbecher and I truly feel that this might be where God is leading me. I ask for prayer that He speaks through my heart and gives me the guidance and the wisdom that I need to follow through with these next steps to being a part of this program.

Thank you Jesus for this amazing opportunity.

Giving back.

"God will use our heartache, whatever it's cause to build our character, to draw us closer to him, and make us pliable tools for his purposes. And, he will call on each of us from time to time to go through something, so we can better minister to others." -Janet Thompson, author

How did God use a crisis or problem to bring good into your life?

Well how should I start...
I know for a matter of fact that God hand picked my family to bear the trials we have struggled through for a particular reason. Since my father's passing I have seen my family grow in so many ways. Yes we have all had our times of hitting "rock bottom," but at the same time, we have helped pick each other up. Our family has been given a type of strength that can get through anything. It's that Irish blood!

But anyways, each person deals with grief and loss in different ways. For me, it started with a dependence on alcohol my senior year of high school, then moved to wanting to harm myself, and lastly here I am today battling anorexia. God has given me these problems to help others just like me, and believe it or not, there are a lot of people out there who struggle from the exact same thing and are too afraid to admit that they have a problem. Well I just want you all to know, that you are not alone, and like everyone has been telling me, THERE IS HOPE. My prayer is that God will give me a heart to reach out to those that are dealing with these struggles. I know he had me endure these times for this reason, and I am so blessed that he did. Through my mentoring I hope to glorify God in every way by touching these people's lives.

God I ask that you search my heart and help me to push past my insecurities. Help me to reach out to those in need, whether it's with someone dealing with a loss of a loved one, or a young high school girl battling an eating disorder. Whatever the trial, I pray that you will lead me to your sons and daughters. Thank you Lord for all that you have blessed us with; the good times and the bad. Help me to shine your light through my daily actions and lead me down the path that you have set out before me. We love you Lord Jesus with all of our heart and thank you for never leaving our side. You have brought me out of the darkness and now it is my turn to reciprocate that love. I cannot do this alone Lord. May my mentoring lead to healing. Be with me every step of the way through my own healing and other's as well.  Help us to battle this struggle together.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I love you with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and will all my strength.

Love your daughter,
Shannon