A brother's love

Since my parents brought me home from the hospital, my brother Stephen has been like my second mom; a protector. My mom tells me stories about how he would climb in my crib with me just to hold me and make sure I was okay. I remember times when my parents would go out to dinner and I would look forward to spending the evening with him just so we could play Donkey Kong and listen to Richard Marx blasting on the tape player. I always felt so special when he would include me whenever he would have friends over. Yes I was the annoying little sister, 9 years age difference, but he always knew how to make me feel loved and wanted; serving a purpose at the tender age of 3 years old.

Growing up with a 9 and 6 year age difference between my two brothers definitely had it's advantages and disadvantages. One of the hardest moments I had to face was  losing my brother to college when I was in the second grade. I remember my family and I dropping him off and my dad consoling my mom and I as we were balling our eyes out leaving Newberg. I not only lost my brother that day to a new adventure in his life but I also lost my best friend and protector for those next 5 years. Yes he would come home on the weekends and the holidays, but it still wasn't the same. I missed going downstairs to his "lair" and jumping on his bed while he was barely waking up. Man I miss those days...

I have always been so proud of my brother's accomplishments. In high school, for all his baseball awards, graduating from both high school and college, finishing his master's degree, and even claiming the title of a National Champion in 2004 with George Fox University's baseball team. I tell everyone I know how awesome my big brother is.

Five years ago, my brother took on a new role for the family; a caretaker for my dad. When we found out my dad had brain cancer, we never wanted to have a stranger take care of him, so my brother, dropped everything, his job, his goal of becoming a teacher, and even his friendships were put on hold for the time being. He dedicated his life to my dad and I can never thank him enough for all of the sacrifices he made for our family. There are things that Stephen saw and heard from my dad that I will never know of or understand. And God bless him for that and the patience he had through it all. That poor kid witnessed hell on earth and never once did he complain, because he knew my dad would do it in a heart beat and my dad was his best friend. That's just what friends do for each other. They love and sacrifice because they care.

Since my father's death, my brother has taken on yet another role, a father, husband, and best friend to us all. I always know that he is only a phone call away. He is the most compassionate, caring, loving, and giving person I have ever met. He always gives and never wants anything in return. Thank you Stephen for always loving me, sending me encouraging texts when you know I've having a hard day, making me laugh with your poop stories, doing our secret hand shake in public even if it might embarrass you, calling me up at school to see how I'm doing, telling me I'm beautiful no matter what, letting me know how proud daddy would be of me and how far I've come, making me feel strong when I know I'm not. Stephen, I also want to thank you for picking the best person for you and for our family. Krystal is such a blessing not only to your life but also to ours. She is the sweetest and most caring person and you two are perfect for each other. I finally have the sister I have always wanted. I love you with all my heart Stephen, and thank you again for being my second mom, a caretaker when dad was sick, and the best father (to me), husband, and best friend anyone could ever ask for. Love you Peeps.

Presence, Sacrifice, and Love

 Tonight was my church's Christmas Eve Eve service. I was so blessed to have shared this with my church family as well as my brother, sister-in-law Krystal, and my mom. The pastor John Mark taught on a very touching subject, the incarnation of God. Throughout history, there have been mixed/false ideas about who Jesus truly was. Some believe he was used as a shell for God to reside in while on earth, while other's might believe that who Jesus was claiming to be, was all false. That is not the way we should be looking at the "King of Kings." Jesus was both fully God and fully human. In the book of John, he shows us what Jesus was like as a person. There wasn't anything that we experience today that he didn't feel as well. Jesus was thirsty, Jesus wept, he was hungry, he even experienced death. 

There are three key points to the incarnation of God. 

1. Presence: he made his home among us, being open and available to us all. He was not far away in the cosmos like some think, but right there with humanity. God is not a cosmic therapist that we can go to on the weekend and ask for advice. The Christmas story reminds us that he is there with us every moment throughout the day. He is alive! 
2. Sacrifice: God gave up so much to be Jesus, and then as a human he gave his life! 
3. Love: Why did God give this all up for us you ask? Because of love! 

• "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

 We are absolute wrecks, and yet God still loves us. When we give him the middle finger, he says to us, "Here I am."

• "As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."

 We are sent to show the world what God is like! A great example of someone who loved on others and had Christ shining through them was my dad. Throughout his struggle with cancer, my daddy shared the joy of Christ despite the pain he was in. Even when he would have his hard days, not once did he complain, and question God's love for him. Thank you daddy for shining the light of Jesus for all of us to see. 

 The question we all need to think about is what would it look like for us to live incarnated? The answer is by presence, sacrifice, and love. It is so easy to lose sight of what life is all about. Let us remember that God has breathed life into each and every one of us. Yes, we were adopted into the family of Christ, and yup, I am a daughter of God. 

Thankfulness

As part of my assignment this week, my counselor wanted me to write a grief letter with 4 points; What  I resent, regret, my disappointments, and what I am thankful for. I love ending on a positive note, and I just wanted to share with you all how truly thankful I am. Thank you all for being blessings in my life and helping me overcome this battle. I love you all and could not have gotten to this stage in the healing process without you. 

THANKFULNESS

• I am so incredibly blessed and thankful to have God's grace. His love amazes me and the fact that no matter what I do, that will never go away.
  
  
• I thank him for these trials in my life; because of them, I have grown stronger in my faith, developed perseverance, strength, patience, and a love for others that continues to grow stronger with each day that passes.
  
  
• I thank Jesus that he blessed me with my family. Yes, we have our issues but when it comes down to it, we love each other so much and we are all we have. My family's support has been huge for me through all of this

• I am so thankful for my mom and how even through all of her crap, she tries so hard to make our lives as normal as possible. She knows how devastated we were when we lost my dad and every holiday she wants to keep our traditions alive and incorporate my dad's spirit some how. Whether it's giving us a picture of him as one of our gifts or displaying the Santa Clause that our friend made us with his Christmas ties. She always loves making us feel special and I thank her for that. Even though we argue at times, at the end of the day she is still my best friend. She always sticks up for me, drives me to work, picks me up from work late at night so I don't have to ride the max when it's dark, hugs me when I cry, makes sure that I'm eating and getting healthy, and most importantly she loves me with all her heart.

• I am very thankful for my brother Stephen. No matter what that kid loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me. He is like my second mom, and protects me like a mother bear. When I was planning on moving away, he poured out his heart to me expressing just how much I meant to him. I love that kid and am so blessed to have him as my older brother and a best friend. Whenever I have a bad day I know he is only a phone call away. He knows just the encouraging words to tell me to make it all better. He worries about me all the time, and I am so thankful that I have a family that loves me so much that they worry non-stop about my safety.
  
  
• I thank God for my sister-in-law Krystal. God could not have picked a better person for my brother and an addition to our family. I have always wanted a sister and he answered my prayers when he brought Krystal into my life. She is the most caring, selfless person and no matter how crazy our family is, she loves us despite it all.
  
  
• I am so blessed that God let me have my daddy for 18 years of my life. He was my best friend, and through all of this, I can take away how his sickness has changed me and made me who I am today. My dad made me the woman I am today by teaching me what it means to love, live life, and have faith in every situation. His love for God is an inspiration, and seeing how he persevered even in the tough times, shows his faithfulness to our heavenly father. Not once, did he blame God or have any anger towards him. He is my hero and I can't wait for our reunion in Heaven.
  • Growing up my dad was there at every sporting event, choir concert, ballet recital, drama production that I had. He would even show up early to my volleyball practices to see how I was doing and if he could help the coaches at all with cleaning up. My dad loved his kids and did everything in his power to help us grow into strong, confident, faithful adults. His dedication at home and work showed just how much he loved us. Never once did he ask for anything for Christmas or his birthday. He would have rather wanted us to use the money on ourselves. He was the most selfless man I have ever met. It was always about us. He is the perfect example of someone demonstrating Christ's love.
    
    
• I thank God for my team of doctors and the support/love that they give me. I would not be able to do this without them.

• I'm grateful for my best friends.
• Abby we have been together for 17 years and I can't imagine my life without you. From grade school to dorm life, you've been with me every step of the way.I loved sharing a room with you in college and could not imagine rooming with anyone else. Oh our little womby :) I loved knowing that I would always be waking up to laughter with our crazy morning routines. Playing FloRida and Sexy B*tch so loud we would get our wall pounded on to shut it off. Through all of this you have inspired me to get help. Even though you will be moving away with Tyler I know you will always be a part of my life. I love you with all my heart Abs. 
• Caitlyn, girl you make me laugh like no other. I love all of our girl talks and crazy times in the car. Oh and can't forget about our random adventures to Target. haha Love you so much. 
• Amy, we have been friends since kindergarden and I laugh just thinking about growing up with you because we have so many hilarious moments that I will never forget. All the times we would play Polly Pockets and fight over who got the boy, dressing up for Halloween at my grandparents house, and countless sleepovers. I love you Amos. 
• I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to experience college life at one of the most prestigious Christian universities in the country. Even if it was just for 2 years, that is more than most get. I met so many wonderful people out of that school.
  • My friend Allegra
    • She has inspired me in so many ways to be healed. She was the one that encouraged me to write my blog, witnesses to others by sharing my story and how Christ has been working in my life.
  • My old boss/interior design professor Lauri
    • Lauri is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Her love for God shines through everything she does. I thank her for her guidance, and words of encouragement. She brought me to my current job at IKEA and she always pushed me to follow my dreams.
  • AJ
  • my friend Lisa
  • and many more friends and experiences that I will always treasure
    
    
• I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for my church Solid Rock. God brought me to them and it has been the best thing in my life thus far. They are my support and my family. Whenever I have a bad day I look forward to worshiping God in my home church under the beautiful stained glass dome that hovers over us. I have met so many incredible people since first attending
  • My pastors Gerald and John Mark
  • My good friend Abi Porter
    • She is my mentor and I go to her whenever I need guidance or just a friend. She meets me every week or so for coffee or ice cream and we just chat. It is so wonderful to have Godly women like this in your life.
  • Our women leaders Abby and Bethany
  • My friends Peter and Jack
  • And so many more wonderful brother's and sister's in Christ!
    
    
• I am so thankful for my job at IKEA. This has been one of the biggest blessings in my life and I thank God for it. I started out in the kitchen design department and then was promoted to the bedrooms department, which is where God was calling me to be. I hope to shine Christ's love through everything I do. Thank you Jesus for granting me this opportunity! 
  
  
  Peace and blessings to you all. 

Why Me?

Why me?
Since June of 2007 I have constantly been asking God this question. Why me and why my family? 
Trials come in all sizes. Some come more like a breeze and others like a hurricane. These past 5 years have seemed more like a tropical storm. Gusts of wind that knock you down over and over again and with no break in between. When we first experienced the eye of the storm I thought I was trapped and there was no way of being rescued. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing." Psalm 40:1-10

 I loved playing the victim card to God. Making it all about me and the unfairness of my situation. "God what did I ever do to deserve this?" He answered, "I have good news for you...I am with you. I want to comfort you and heal your broken heart. At this very moment I am pushing back hell and fighting your battles for you...You deeply grieve your losses, and your grief is valid...Come to me. Allow my spirit to touch your wounds. I promise you, I will replace your devastation and despair with my spirit of gladness and joy." ~When Life Is Hard by James MacDonald

God has healed me in so many ways.  I have finally chosen to allow my pain to motivate me to become a better person; To move me forward in the right direction. My counselor put it in an interesting way..."Shannon you were so young when you lost your dad, but you are so blessed that it happened when it did. For most people, they don't come to the stage of healing that you're currently in until their late 40's. I am so proud of where you are now." She is SO right. I am incredibly blessed that I have been able to experience this growth opportunity at such a fragile age. It not only strengthened me but also gave me such an incredible life lesson that brought me the closest I have ever been to the Father. My wounds have given me depth and character. 

"I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light," Mary Gardiner Brainard. 

I thank you God that you chose me to experience everything that I have. May you use my trials to help those who still grope in the shadows. Help me to shine your light for everyone to see. I live a life of purpose and love and rest in the Father's arms. 

This is my beautiful friend Taylor Grey's artwork. To see some other samples visit her etsy page at http://www.etsy.com/shop/taylormadelove. 

She is a gorgeous woman inside and out. Love you Tay! Thank you so much for your encouragement. 

Shame's talk vs. God's answers

    Shames talk             God's answers

• I am damaged            I will heal you
• I am dirty              I will wash you whiter than snow
• I am incompetent        I will teach you all you need to know
• I am stupid             I will fill you with wisdom
• I am unwanted           I made you
• I am weak               In your weakness I made you strong
• I am hopeless           I will give you hope
• I am unlovable          I sent my son to die for you
• I am nothing            You are my child
• I am worthless          You are precious

My pain is not a problem, it is a solution.

My pain is not a problem, it is a solution. It is what will energize me to change, adapt, grow, and move through the valley of the shadows and out the other side, back into the sunlight.

These words hit me to the core. My pain is indeed my solution. God has used these trials, over the past 4 years, to shape me into the woman I am today. I tend to forget that Jesus himself experienced so much pain and anguish while here on earth. Why do I not cling to his support and encouragement when I'm struggling? It saddens me to know that it took me this long to come to this realization. Lord forgive me for not relying on your support during my trials. You are our number one comfort that understands pain. May I always look to you in times of trouble. Thank you Jesus for being there even when I didn't ask for help. 

New Year's Resolution

I met my dear friend at the tasty Salt and Straw ice creamery on 23rd the other day. I love our little chats. One of the things that really took me a back was when we were discussing about negative people in our lives and how easily it is to feed off of that. She then began to explain to me the impact her family's negativity had on her growing up. Her New Year's resolution a few years back was to rid this out of her life by trying not to complain about anything, and whenever a nasty thought came into her head, she would talk herself out of it. So thanks to my dear friend, I am starting my New Year's resolution a little early this year. From here on out, no more complaining for me! Whenever I begin to say something negative I am going to turn it into a positive thought.

Lord, help me to be thankful and blessed for everything that I have been given. Yes, I have my struggles in life, but in comparison to others in this world, they are nothing. Thank you Jesus for all that you have given my family, friends, and I. I lift up this New Year's resolution to you and ask for your support. Hold me accountable for this lifestyle, and help me to be an example for others around me. Use me to serve you with all my heart. Again, thank you Jesus for your constant love and blessings.