Fear. The
fear of not being loved and accepted. The fear of what people will
think of me since I have put on some weight. The fear of not being a
size 0. The fear of not knowing what lies ahead. These are some of
the painful thoughts that have been pouring into my mind for the past
2 months. A part from being at work, I have dreaded leaving the house.
I wish I
could explain to the ones I love what this feels like, but no one quite understands. When you go out in public, you feel that all eyes are on
you and it's constant judgement. “Oh man she looks so bad. I wonder
how much she's put on?” You lose all confidence in
yourself and doubt why you're still here. My love of life has been
ripped away from me once again.
I dread the mirror, and pray to God that he changes the person that I see before me. It kills me on the inside and I constantly pick a part my flaws. It's pathetic that I have to speed walk past the wall of mirrors at work, to escape myself. How did it get to this point to where I can't even accept who I am anymore?
I am so
sorry to everyone that I have hurt during this process. I know you
don't understand and I wish I could give you a glimpse of what this
is like. Just know how much I love you. All I ask is for your
patience. I know you never know what to expect from me anymore, but please
know that I am trying my absolute best to beat this. And everyday I
focus on being stronger with God's grace.
Tonight at church we learned how we need to rid the fear of man out of our life by accepting who we are. No more comparing ourselves to one another, and striving to be something that we are not. All that matters is how our Father sees us, and what an awesome feeling knowing that I am a part of His family.
Tonight at church we learned how we need to rid the fear of man out of our life by accepting who we are. No more comparing ourselves to one another, and striving to be something that we are not. All that matters is how our Father sees us, and what an awesome feeling knowing that I am a part of His family.
First off Lord, thank you for blessing me with the gift of being your daughter. I ask God, that you please grant me serenity. Help me to look past these evil thoughts that take over my life. It doesn't matter what size I am, or how "fit" I am. The love that pours from my heart is all that matters. Help me to rid these selfish desires, by looking at ways to help others. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family.
In his name,
In his name,
Hey, you don't know me, but we seem to have a ton of mutual friends and I just clicked on your blog while idly browsing Instagram. It honestly creeps me out a little that we have some of the same acquaintances, went to the same church, and maybe even had the same dietitian... I moved far away last year, so there's no chance of us crossing paths, but I feel a weird affinity with you from all these coincidences! So that's a really long-winded way of saying that although you might feel totally alone, I can assure you, you're not. This probably means nothing to you, coming from a stranger, but I felt compelled to say I truly know how difficult it is to be at that place in recovery where people assume you're starting to get better, but in truth the battle is at its climax. In my experience at least, that was the hardest part. I know how it feels to be totally alone even among people who love you and try to support you. But even if they can't fully understand, just know you're not alone and there are probably even other girls at church who are silently struggling with the same exact thing - at one point I was one of them. Be kind to yourself and don't get discouraged! Your bravery is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I'm sorry to comment anonymously, I feel like a total creep! Just paranoid I guess. I hope you've found support & healing at church whereas I was always too afraid of being negatively judged!
ReplyDeleteI would love to talk to you sometime in a private message! Your encouraging words are so inspiring and uplifting. Thank you for the loving message <3
ReplyDelete