Today was rough.

Today was rough. I have my good days and my bad days. No matter what I did today I could not get the thought of food out of my head. My mom and I went to Hood River on my day off to go apple picking and to visit a few wineries. The trip started out great but as the day went on, I noticed myself falling into one of my "funks."

Earlier in the car my mom, God bless her, made a comment about my appearance. She told me that my face was looking fuller and not quite as gaunt. I know my mom meant well in telling me this, but those few words, were like a trigger to my brain. Once I heard her say that I immediately wanted to reverse these past couple of days of the progress I have been making. For 5 days now, I have not stepped foot in the gym or even attempted to go for a run outside. But now my body was craving that elliptical machine like it was a drug. I needed those endorphines and the satisfaction that I could eat whatever I wanted because I had worked out for hours.

Once we got home, I took my frustration to good use and did a clean sweep of my room and got rid of a bunch of bad memories and what I like to call my "skinny clothes." I never want to be able to fit in those jeans again. If anything my new pants that I bought are my motivation to gain weight. I made sure to purchase a size larger then what I'm used to.

After prayer, devotions, and some quiet time, I was able to process my thoughts and realize just what a struggle this is going to be. But you know what, I am not in this alone. Since writing this blog, I have received so much support from family and friends and I cannot thank you all enough for your blessings.  God has me wrapped up in his arms and he is not letting me go. I am going to fight this disease with all my strength and I will end up on the other side. Satan will not defeat me. There is hope and hope will win.