I have always read and heard stories about people being spiritually attacked but I never thought that with having Christ as my Savior that could happen. This past week has gone against everything I have believed. It can be when you are at your strongest point in your faith that Satan chases you down and grabs a hold of you. For me it came out of the blue. I have been on top of my health, filled with so much joy, and loving where my life is going. Over the course of this week I have just felt off and I wasn't understanding why. I lost all energy to go out. I had no desire to get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep and honestly not wake up. Every evil thought was filling my mind and making me absolutely disgusted with myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and hate everything I saw. I didn't even bother trying to talk myself out of it because I believed it all.
Yesterday, I had the day off, and went for a run to clear my mind. As I was out, I had the urge to visit my dad's grave. I am so blessed to live so close to see him. As I rounded the corner of the cemetery I caught sight of his beautiful gravestone glistening in the sun. My ipod stopped playing, I took a look around to see if anyone was there, and then placed my hand on his name. It still takes a minute for it to sink in when I see his birthdate and date of death. As I sat on the damp grass, a moment of peace filled my heart. The fog was rolling in from the hills, I sat there...and nothing mattered. I was with my dad and every care and every worry ran out of my mind.
As the day went on my state of depression grew worse and worse. My mom called me on her break to see how I was doing, and I just balled my eyes out. Nothing could stop the hurt and the tears from pouring out of my eyes. She gave me words of encouragement but I just couldn't listen. I believed it to all be a lie. I had texted some of my best friends and mentors to pray for my heart that day. God bless them all. They filled me with the most encouraging words and blessings.
"Praying for you! You're doing amazing and getting healed from the inside out. Try doing a day of thanks...Thanking Jesus for all the good things in your life and thank him for the weight gain. It is a good thing...Satan is trying to turn your success into a failure by bringing dark thoughts. Psalms 3:3 But you Lord are a shield around me, my glory. The one who lifts my head high." Let him lift your head high!"
"I hope you know all the people that love you and how much I love you and beautiful you are inside and out. You're such a fighter and I know you're going to conquer this disorder and you'll be back on top. When I get home we're gonna get you outta the house and you can love and breathe again."
"I'll be praying for sure! You are such a beautiful person and have been an inspiration to me and so many others. Reading your blog had encouraged and uplifted me. You are not a quitter, you never have been a quitter! I love when people ask me how Shannon is doing because I love saying, "She is doing great! And you are! Love you Shan."
It's moments like this that make me invision my heavenly father beating the crap out of Satan. Pinning him to the ground and saying, "Not this time Satan! I've got her in my arms and you're not taking her from me! She is my beautiful daughter and you can never take that away from her!"
Lord Jesus, you are the love of my life and continue to fight my daily battles for me. I look to you for strength and ask that you lift my head high. I am not a quitter and I have come too far to turn back now! Help me to finish this race Jesus. Guard my life and rescue me.
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