Progress is progress, no matter how small

It's been a while since I've written on here...since my last posting a lot has happened in my life. I've had a few slip ups here and there but for the most part I've remained strong. There are times though when you try and remain strong for too long and and it only leads to fear and anxiety. 

The other day I needed to purchase some new jeans. Not focusing on the numbers I grabbed an armful and headed to the dressing room. Every time I step into one of those enclosed spaces I feel my chest tightening up, and the air feels heavy. I talk myself through it and pray to God that he'll step in and help. As I try on the different styles, my mind starts racing. I hate absolutely everything in that mirror that is looking back at me. Hateful words start filling my heart and my breathing speeds up and I get shaky. I knew at that point that I had made a huge mistake going in there by myself. I should have asked my mom for help. I grabbed one of the pairs and looked at the tag. I felt like the number was taunting me. "Yep, that's right! You've gained that much weight since your last fitting! You've failed."

I noticed that my anger and fear were swelling up inside, and I took that pain and began digging my nails into my skin. It amazes me quickly God intercedes in situations like that. As I am on the ground hugging my knees, crying out to him, he immediately eases my pain. 

After my attack all I wanted was reassurance.... My mom's hugs always help with that. Just her embrace made me feel at home. God's voice was also speaking to me louder than ever telling me what a beautiful daughter he has, and how lucky he is that I share his love with others on a daily basis just with being me. Every flaw, every imperfection on my body makes up who I am. I have an ugly past filled with pain, but it happened for a reason and it makes up my story. 

I knew the recovery process was not going to be an easy road. This incident just shows that you can have a step back at any moment. What you need to focus on though is the end goal...not complete recovery, but a life free from pain. A life where you are able to look at yourself and love who God has created you to be. No matter what events you have had to face, nothing can take God's love away from you. ALWAYS remember that. 

 

Fear.

Fear. The fear of not being loved and accepted. The fear of what people will think of me since I have put on some weight. The fear of not being a size 0. The fear of not knowing what lies ahead. These are some of the painful thoughts that have been pouring into my mind for the past 2 months. A part from being at work, I have dreaded leaving the house. 

I wish I could explain to the ones I love what this feels like, but no one quite understands. When you go out in public, you feel that all eyes are on you and it's constant judgement. “Oh man she looks so bad. I wonder how much she's put on?” You lose all confidence in yourself and doubt why you're still here. My love of life has been ripped away from me once again.

I dread the mirror, and pray to God that he changes the person that I see before me. It kills me on the inside and I constantly pick a part my flaws. It's pathetic that I have to speed walk past the wall of mirrors at work, to escape myself. How did it get to this point to where I can't even accept who I am anymore?

I am so sorry to everyone that I have hurt during this process. I know you don't understand and I wish I could give you a glimpse of what this is like. Just know how much I love you. All I ask is for your patience. I know you never know what to expect from me anymore, but please know that I am trying my absolute best to beat this. And everyday I focus on being stronger with God's grace.

Tonight at church we learned how we need to rid the fear of man out of our life by accepting who we are. No more comparing ourselves to one another, and striving to be something that we are not. All that matters is how our Father sees us, and what an awesome feeling knowing that I am a part of His family.

First off Lord, thank you for blessing me with the gift of being your daughter. I ask God, that you please  grant me serenity. Help me to look past these evil thoughts that take over my life. It doesn't matter what size I am, or how "fit" I am. The love that pours from my heart is all that matters. Help me to rid these selfish desires, by looking at ways to help others. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family. 
In his name,  

Eggy goodness

As I was browsing Pinterest the other day I came across a recipe for a "breakfast pizza." I did some research and realized just how easy this was! I did however make some alterations in making it a "healthy" option. My version became more of a soufflé/fruity pancake. Simply delicious! The nice thing about this recipe is that there are so many different variations that you can play around with. I added Bosch pears to mine along with a drizzle of agave syrup on top. 

Ingredients:

1. 6 eggs
2. 1/2 Splenda or Stevia (for the sugar-free version)or 1/4 cup sugar if you don't mind the sweetness
3. whatever fruit is in season. Mix it up and create fun combos! 

Using a hand held mixer, blend first two ingredients until a frothy foam takes over the bowl. After that, place mixture into a glass pie pan that has been lightly sprayed with Pam. Arrange sliced fruit on top and cook the eggy goodness for 25 minutes at 350. Make sure that it has turned a golden brown. If not, then place it back in the oven and cook in 5 minute increments until done. Make sure to keep a close eye on it! Every oven is a little different. 

Once it is done, lightly drizzle the top with agave or whatever your favorite syrup may be. Enjoy my friends. And Bon Appetite!

The Daily Rise

Sometimes I fight
To be the best that I can
But there's always competition
And I don't always win.

There's one place in my life
Where I never have to compete
It's in the eyes of Jesus,
For his love makes me complete.

Some days I feel average
Other days I barely measure up
But every day with Jesus
I'm made perfectly by His love.

All glory to the King
Who gives me power to overcome
To daily rise above my ruins
And live for Him alone.

-Bridget, Secrets Young Women Keep

Operation Destroy Pants

"So what is serenity? It is actually eating on Thanksgiving Day.It is enjoying myself at a cookout. It is being along without being afraid. It is having the energy to walk around the block. It is letting go. It is letting people get close to me and my boundaries. It is honest. It is being able  to say no. It is the ability to focus. It is the passion to pursue my dreams. It's having so much more time for living. It's me. And it can be you too." Jenni, Life with Ed

It's been a little over 2 years now that I have been fighting a constant battle, but day by day I am gaining more freedom, and leaving "Ted" (what I named my eating disorder) behind. As part of the recovery process, my counselor wanted me to destroy my so called, "skinny jeans." With wearing them, I still held on to a part of my childhood. I loved looking and feeling like a little girl, when I should be embracing the various stages of womanhood. By accepting being a woman I was leaving the memories of my dad behind. I became an adult without a father, and I wanted to cling on to those memories with him for as long as possible. By looking in the mirror each morning, I would stare back at a "younger" version of myself; making it seem like no time had passed by, and that perhaps, my dad still was on "vacation." 

Well time has passed and now that I have become a woman, I have put away the little girl within. Life with Ted is no more. He cannot tear the joy from my life. I am beautiful, strong, and God made me just the way I am to shine for his glory. I have taken back control and am ready to start living once again. So long Ted. This time I have defeated you. Take that you piece of crap. 

Goodbye Ted

Who is Ted you may ask? It's the thing that has kept me from living for the past 2 years. It's my eating disorder. Most girls in recovery refer to theirs as Ed, but that was my grandpa's name and I refuse to say, "I hate Ed," so my mom came up with a much better name for him; Ted. Just saying the name gives me the creeps. 

I met with my counselor today and poured out my heart. For the past couple of weeks it has been really hard to come to grips with the weight gain. I've had to change out my favorite pair of designer jeans, and let me tell you...it was not easy. Instead of giving them away, knowing I will never fit in them, I tucked them away in my wardrobe so I wouldn't be tempted. When I told Shirley this, she questioned why I didn't just trash them. I stopped and thought about it...why hadn't I thrown them away or donated them to a charity? It is because a small part of me hoped I would fit back into them again. Maybe I would have a relapse and lose a bunch of weight...or so I had hoped. No! Ted was not going to win this time! 

Shirley and I came up with a game-plan. I was going to destroy those jeans. Instead of giving them away I was going to make them suffer. Ever thing I did to those pair of jeans would symbolize what Ted has done to my life. I would burn them, stomp on them with mud, slash them with scissors out of anger and hatred to all of the pain that Ted has caused me. I was determined to take something hideous like my eating disorder and turn it into something beautiful. So those pair of jeans would become an abstract piece of artwork that would be displayed in a shadow box to celebrate my recovery. The quote that will be part of the piece was inspired by 1 Corinthians 13:11,Paul says, "when I became a man, I put away childish things." Just like Paul put away his childhood, I will now put mine to rest as well. By letting my jeans go, I am accepting the stages of becoming a woman. I am putting my past, my pain, and my father's death to rest. 

So goodbye Ted. You will no longer have any power over me. 

P.S. I will post the final pictures from my project this week. Stay tuned. 

Well done good and faithful servant

A tribute letter to my dad:

Daddy, 
words cannot describe how thankful I am for you and everything that you gave to our family. Growing up there was never a day that went by that you didn't greet me with a big hug and a "Hi poopy" when you got home. I loved how every weekend you came in the house after mowing the lawn and would lean over the recliner to give mom a big kiss even though you were gross and sweaty. Yes she would pull away and say, "Ew go shower!" But each time you left the room she had a big smile on her face. The love that you two had and still have inspires me with my future marriage; to live a life of love to pass on to my children. 

Dad, you were and still are my #1 fan. I always could count on you and mom to be sitting in the stands to watch my volleyball matches. Even if it meant you two had to wake up at 4 in the morning to take me down to Albany for an ALL DAY tournament. Now that is dedication. Not once did you complain, because I knew you secretly loved being with all the parents and cheering us on. Your joy and love of life makes me smile. At brother's baseball games, you were always known as Coach Pat, because you would be giving pointers and encouragement to the boys before they headed to the plate; giving them that confidence to succeed. It's because of you and mom, that brothers and I have made it to where we are today. 

Being crafty and artistic was one thing you and I had in common. We loved coloring together and designing school projects. Even if it meant that you had to stay up until midnight to help me bake a cake that was shaped like the state of Oregon. And yes I know you loved every minute of it. 

You worked three jobs at one point, ate tic tacs for lunch because you were always on the go, had the least expensive car in the family, and not once did you ask for anything in return. If there is one person who would die a young death to strengthen their family, it would be you. We are taught as children of God to live a life like Christ. Well daddy, you won the prize. Job well done good and faithful servant. Because of your death, we have endured the hardest times of our lives, but I thank God everyday for them because they give me depth, and now I can use my story to help others. 

I'm not gonna lie dad, I wish you were here with me. I have to put aside my selfish heart and remember that you are standing beside the King of Kings in Heaven in a beautifully restored body. You're playing baseball with the pros of the past, eating dinner with your parents, and driving the car of your dreams. I don't want to cry for you anymore daddy, because I know your happy. You lived such a selfless life, and I strive to be just like you. No more tears, but only happy thoughts. 

Thank you papa for loving me with an everlasting love. I can feel it grow each and every day that goes by. I can close my eyes and see you smiling back at me. Dad, I promise I am going to fight with everything I have to beat this disease. You have taught me what it means to be a fighter, and as a Donohue, losing is not option. 

I love you with all my heart dad. Thank you for living such a beautiful legacy that continues to inspire us all. And as I know Jesus would say, "Well done good and faithful servant."

The fight

A few years ago I thought I was invincible to everything but as the years have gone by my thoughts on that have most definitely changed...

I have always read and heard stories about people being spiritually attacked but I never thought that with having Christ as my Savior that could happen. This past week has gone against everything I have believed. It can be when you are at your strongest point in your faith that Satan chases you down and grabs a hold of you. For me it came out of the blue. I have been on top of my health, filled with so much joy, and loving where my life is going. Over the course of this week I have just felt off and I wasn't understanding why. I lost all energy to go out. I had no desire to get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep and honestly not wake up. Every evil thought was filling my mind and making me absolutely disgusted with myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and hate everything I saw. I didn't even bother trying to talk myself out of it because I believed it all. 

Yesterday, I had the day off, and went for a run to clear my mind. As I was out, I had the urge to visit my dad's grave. I am so blessed to live so close to see him. As I rounded the corner of the cemetery I caught sight of his beautiful gravestone glistening in the sun. My ipod stopped playing, I took a look around to see if anyone was there, and then placed my hand on his name. It still takes a minute for it to sink in when I see his birthdate and date of death. As I sat on the damp grass, a moment of peace filled my heart. The fog was rolling in from the hills, I sat there...and nothing mattered. I was with my dad and every care and every worry ran out of my mind.  

As the day went on my state of depression grew worse and worse. My mom called me on her break to see how I was doing, and I just balled my eyes out. Nothing could stop the hurt and the tears from pouring out of my eyes. She gave me words of encouragement but I just couldn't listen. I believed it to all be a lie. I had texted some of my best friends and mentors to pray for my heart that day. God bless them all. They filled me with the most encouraging words and blessings. 

"Praying for you! You're doing amazing and getting healed from the inside out. Try doing a day of thanks...Thanking Jesus for all the good things in your life and thank him for the weight gain. It is a good thing...Satan is trying to turn your success into a failure by bringing dark thoughts. Psalms 3:3 But you Lord are a shield around me, my glory. The one who lifts my head high." Let him lift your head high!"

"I hope you know all the people that love you and how much I love you and beautiful you are inside and out. You're such a fighter and I know you're going to conquer this disorder and you'll be back on top. When I get home we're gonna get you outta the house and you can love and breathe again."

"I'll be praying for sure! You are such a beautiful person and have been an inspiration to me and so many others. Reading your blog had encouraged and uplifted me. You are not a quitter, you never have been a quitter! I love when people ask me how Shannon is doing because I love saying, "She is doing great! And you are! Love you Shan."

It's moments like this that make me invision my heavenly father beating the crap out of Satan. Pinning him to the ground and saying, "Not this time Satan! I've got her in my arms and you're not taking her from me! She is my beautiful daughter and you can never take that away from her!"

Lord Jesus, you are the love of my life and continue to fight my daily battles for me. I look to you for strength and ask that you lift my head high. I am not a quitter and I have come too far to turn back now!  Help me to finish this race Jesus. Guard my life and rescue me. 
     

life statement

As we begin the new year, I have created a "life statement" for myself...

"I am created and called to express my faith through love, especially by bringing hope to others by telling my story and sharing the joy of Christ through my daily actions." 

Father, may you prepare me for the path that lies ahead. Help me to glorify you every day and love others with all my heart. As I live in you, may my love grow even more perfect.